How Far We've Come

So, there's really no need to tell you, but the 2007 fires are here and swingin. Yeah, there's like seven or eight surrounding us. The good news is, my family hasn't had to evacuate (yet). Oh, we don't have school for the whole week either. But the bad news is like a ton of houses already have burnt down.

Basically, I've been playing The Sims a ton because there's nothing else to do. Yesterday I went to Vicki Something's house and hung out with Emily Taylor and Miles Amitin (they're cousins). It was a lot of fun, and great to be out of the house.

Oh, and in other news, I'm wearing makeup again! Woot.

Cross my Heart and Hope to Die, Splinter from the Headboard in my Eye

Okay, how perfect is that line? Another Fall Out Boy lyric, from GINASFS (Gay is not a Synonym for Shitty). Yes, wonderful Fall Out Boy. Concert countdown is at forty one days.
"I've already given up on myself twice
Third time is the charm,
Third time is the charm
Threw caution to the wind,
But I've got a lousy arm"


I volunteered yesterday and today for the Sunset Hills halloween carnival. It was okay, I guess. The first two hours of today were really really boring, but it got more fun after. I hung out with Karen and Ginny and Sam. I have about seven community service hours already, woo! Ginny doesn't know if she's going on the Six Flags trip, because she has basketball try outs the same day. Even if it's extremely selfish, I want her to come to Six Flags. Who knows when we might go again? (I'm too afraid to tell her though)

Ginny made a comment about how annoying it is the Bella always says how gangster she is. YES.

I super want a boyfriend. I want someone. It seems like everyone has someone. I guess I'm getting all hormonal again. But... UGH. Not freaking fair. My God, it's killing me. Maybe life will just go in like cycles. Like, I'll want a boyfriend, then I'll be content for a while, and then I'll get all depressed again, etc. Hey, it's a viable theory.

OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO SATURDAY YET TODAY!!!... Ah, much better.

Did you know I started this blog in August, and it's still going, when I didn't even expect it to get past 3 posts? Granted, half of the posts aren't even relevant anymore, but still.

I am bored... Lalala... My brother is such a poser. You know how I'm such a FOB fan (well duh)? Now he thinks he's like a freaking diehard Green Day fan or something. It's so incredibly annoying. You might be thinking, "Well, maybe he is a huge fan!" But he's not. I know.

Pump It!

Wow... a lot has happened since I last posted. I've kind of been afraid to go into it, but I think I'm ready now. And I have homework that I'm trying to put off.

So, I think it was two days ago, maybe three? I pretty much broke down to Nicole. Everything that had been bothering me; everything I had bottled up inside. It's amazing to have all that off my chest. Her basic advice was to try and build up my confidence. I think the best way to do that is to lose weight, and start taking better care of myself. So far, I've eaten pretty healthy. I'm totally not cutting out candy entirely, but I definitely haven't been pigging out like I usually do. And let me tell you, that was a lot. So now after school, instead of having the chips, I'll have a banana or some almonds. Olivia is a good girl now. I also really need to start some sort of excersize regime. Nicole suggested taking walks or whatever but that would probably bore me. I don't like running. So I'm thinking, MAYBE, I might start going down to the Double Tree and working out there.

Speaking of running today, I did SO BAD. I got a 9:42 on 2 trails, and last week I got 9:00. Um, excuse me???

I don't really now how to describe my friends. I totally like all of them, but I feel so left out when I'm around all of them. Good with Chad, Ginny, Sam, all of them when it's just the two or three of us. At school I hardly ever talk to them at break or lunch. And every day I take out my iPod and just sit there, hoping that someone will be like, "Hey, Olivia, what's up? Are you okay?" Alas, no.

At lunch today I was sitting there and Max threw something at Will (this bothers me SO MUCH AND THEY ALWAYS DO IT), so I gave Max a super mean look and said, "Stop." And then, he freaking says to me, "Well, Will was doing it too." So I look at Will and say the same thing and he has the NERVE to go, "Well Max started it." They are so annoying!



((1 month, 1 week, 6 days till the concert))

Class Shirt

Yeah.. that's my design for the class shirt.

Chicago is so Seven Years Ago/ What Have we Become

I know it's supposed to be Two Years Ago. I moved away seven years ago, so nyah. Clandestine is opening their first real store there on the 20th and selling four different limited edition tees, 250 copies of each. I'm going to ask my aunt if she would go to the store and get me a couple.

Life... is bleh. It's like, I'm freaking dead on the inside. I don't feel anything anymore. I joke around and smile and crap but the whole time I'm just thinking 'Whatever, it will just end, and then you'll be sad again.' School is so incredibly unbearable. I tried to look forward to something, like Nicole said. My thing was sitting and talking to Tracey in Bio. Well, I forgot that we switched seats and I don't sit by her anymore.

First period was the best part of my day, because we had a sub, Mr. Wonderful. I still had the hopeless feeling though.

I really really wanted to be antisocial today. To be alone and just listen to my iPod. I thought about going over to hang out with Nicole at lunch but I think it just pulls her away from her friends and she doesn't really like it that much.

Oh, and at lunch Connor came over to ask to borrow a quarter from someone. I didn't have one (sob). While he was waiting for Kathryn to get hers, he was looking around out group all like, "I know you, and you, and you," etc. He like looked at me for a second, and passed over me. Oh my freaking God.

This is not a life that I want to live. I can't even describe it. Dead.
Does anyone out there know How to Save a Life?

Justify

My mom is the most annoying, nagging person in my world. I'm pretty sure all moms are. She has selective hearing, selective memory, and doesn't take me seriously. If I'm in a good mood she'll just bring me down again.

I don't really care about much anymore. Life should be more than just going through the motions, but right now, it's not for me. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. God knows Connor is a lost cause, and I don't even know if I like Chad anymore.

Speaking of Chad, you know how Bella thinks that I like him? She's kind of pissing me off. Okay, for clarification, I'm not saying that I do like him. I'm just saying it how Bella knows it. She says she wants me and him to get together and stuff, but a lot of the time if we're like talking she'll come over and totally interrupt. If we're sitting next to eachother, she'll sit between us. It's just not cool.

I don't know about Ginny anymore. I mean, I'm not mad at her or anything. I just don't really think that she's a good friend for me anymore. Last year was different, but this year is just... whatever. At least, she's not the kind of person that I need to be able to depend on right now.

Somebody, please, give me a reason to live. (for MYSELF, not other people)


"The road outside my house is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew, 'cause it's hell on the engine."

Just Surrender

The title for this was almost 'So Sick' because I heard an acoustic cover by Patrick Stump and it's amazing. But I'm listening to Just Surrender right now, so yeah.

I still miss middle school. I feel like I wasted it and like I didn't appreciate it enough while I was there. I just want to go back and tell all the middle schoolers to enjoy it, because high school sucks. I miss trailblazing so much. For my new computers project-- a destination poster-- I'm doing Yosemite Falls.

Today was kind of an unthinking day. I guess that's okay, because I wasn't thinking about you know who. Especially when I was running, I sort of forced myself to zone out and just concentrate on moving my legs without stopping.

At lunch I sort of got a little sad and lonely (until Kathryn came over 10 minutes later). And then Ginny looks at me from her little side of the circle and, I guess, shares/remembers an old inside joke with me. Haha, I go into a little story, and 3 seconds after I start talking, she looks away to talk with Sam. She totally just stopped listening to me. Um, okay.

Kiss Her, Kiss Her

Ugh. I have no idea what to think.

Last year I had one class with Connor, math. We flirted a lot and I really started to crush on him. I'm talking about a reason to go to school crush (because I'm like that...). Fast forward to, say, a month after I started liking him. He had to switch out of the math class because of a grade issue, and I didn't have any classes at all and hardly ever ran into him. A long while after that, I pretty much got over him (though not completely, I guess), and in all honesty, he seemed to forget about me :( . This year I went into high school with the hope that he'd be in at least one of my classes. But no, because life is cruel like that. I think I'm starting to like him a lot again because I see him more, but then there is the memory issue... Nicole sometimes hangs out with him in her social circle, so that's where I do see him.

The point is, I'm wondering what I should do about him. It might be really really difficult to just "get over him," so I'd appreciate more elaborate advice than that. How do I get over him, when I've tried and failed before? Or maybe: Should I go about trying to get his attention again? How?


:( Help.


I just looked through the eighth grade yearbook. I'm so freaking nostalgic right now it's not even funny :( I miss Six Flags, the dances (because they are so much better than high school dances), and lunch with Ginny and Brandon and Nicole. I miss our Basic Ed class, where we were practically family. I miss freaking Raymond, Andrew, and Riley. I miss having Jordan in every single one of my classes. I miss Mrs. G's unreliability, Mrs. Armacost, and Mr. Tice's dysfunctional class. I miss everyone that became such a big part of my life, even though I didn't realize it; all the people that went to Westview. I miss the Constitution game and the nerves and the We the People competition. I miss making Miis on the Wii of Mr. Tice and Senior Gayhan. I miss PE and football and softball and competing with Kelly Barnett without her even knowing it. I miss riding the bus and pulling over every other week because 'people were lighting matches.' I miss Zack. I miss Connor ((the butterflies)). I miss trailblazing: one of the best experiences of my life. Why the hell do we have to grow up?

Thriller

Yeah, what you critics said would never happen.
We dedicate this album to anybody people said couldn't make it.
To the fans that held us down till everybody came around:
Welcome. It's here.

Stuck in my head ALL DAY.

You know what would be like an awesome theme for my bedroom? If the walls were painted white and then every time I felt like it I could just take a marker or paintbrush and write something on the wall. Lyrics, poems, sayings, whatever. That would be great.

Yesterday kind of sucked because I was on crutches, which are really hard to move around in. And the totally stupid thing was, I would go to english, and we would have to walk to the library. Then I would go to spanish, and we had to walk to the computer lab. And I have to wear my ugly nerd backpack until it gets easier for me to put pressure on my ankle.

After school I went to my locker to get my sweatshirt. Guess who I saw there. Oh, yes, Connor. And no, I did not talk to him, smile at him, or have any physical contact with him at all. I opened my locker and saw him look at me. Then some paper that was stuffed in there flew out so I had to pick it up. Then I dropped my lock and had to pick it up. All the while in my nerdy backpack.


Today was boring also, surprise surprise. School was, anyway. After school I went to the JV guys waterpolo game against Poway. Heh.. Sadly, we lost. Connor plays waterpolo too, OMGNOWAY. I'm hoping, maybe, just maybe, if I'm around him enough and he sees me enough then he'll start talking to me. Or maybe not.

Freshman class council needs someone to design the class shirts. I really want to, because that's just plain awesome. I get to use my graphic arts skillz, woo. It has to be voted on though, so I really hope mine is good.

Senses Fail

I never explained where the name 'Still Searching' comes from. It's an album (and also a song) by Senses Fail. It's probably one of the best put-together album I've ever seen/heard. It tells a story, which I love.

1. The Rapture- (Rapture means ecstatic joy or ecstasy. Think orgasm. Um, I looked it up once when I was thinking of a name for the blog.) It's the beginning of the tragedy; the start of his misery.
"I waited for the light to come
to change my life, to change my life
But I am blind, my faith is gone
I'm finding out the good book was wrong "
2. Bonecrusher- He's trying to drown everything out and forget it all with alcohol.
"Drink up, drink up, drink up the loneliness"
3. Sick or Sane (Fifty for a Twenty)- Is he sane, or is his nightmare coming true and he's really sick?
"Am I a little sick or a little sane?
'Cause I feel a little sick"
4. Can't Be Saved- He lost his [will to] love; he wants to get out of said nightmare.
"I'm stuck in a coma, stuck in a never-ending sleep.
And some day I will wake up and realize I made up everything."
5. Calling All Cars- He wants to be forgotten; wants people to get over him and face the fact that he's long gone.
"So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on"
6. Shark Attack- These shrinks and pills are not working for him.
"Lying on the couch and spilling all of my guts out
Walking out with nothing but a head full of self doubt
I take back every good thing that I ever said"
7. Still Searching- He knows he's changed, knows he's sick, he's lost control. The pills and the 'whitecoats' are his only friends.
"And oh my God, I've lost control
I stare at accidents in a sick attempt
To feel at all"
8. To All the Crowded Rooms- I'm not too sure about this one... Possibly he's delirious or hysterical?
"My life is better than it ever was."
9. Lost and Found- My favorite song off this album. He's lost in a world full of nothingness. He can't get out, and no one can help him. He's going down.
"This island has become
An ocean and my boat's too small
The waves are crashing in
And I can't save this sinking ship

I sent out signal flares
But no one out there seems to care
Now the voice inside my head
Is the only thing that I have left" (Yeah, I had to do two verses)
10. Every Day is a Struggle- So much for last year.
"So Much for the past year,
I poured it down the drain with all the alcohol and pain I got from,
Your Eyes, Oh Your Eyes.
I’m burning out my bedside,
And I’m rotting out my insides slowly."
11. All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues- His suicide. Jump off the building. Let's hear a toast for loneliness.
"A perfect sunset is sinking in the sky
I know my body is ready to fly
I start the countdown backwards from ten
When I reach one my family name will end

Falling down as windows pass I start to cry
And curse the day my parents laid
In a bed of hopelessness where love was made
Please mark my grave 'Unknown'"
12. Negative Space- Him falling. No lyrics, just negative space.
13. The Priest and the Matador- When he hits the ground. His last, dying moments.
"The ambulance is singing
As cops push back the crowd
I start to take my last breath
As blood pours out my mouth
The medics walk in my way
I think this could be it
I hear them start to state,
'The time of death is half past six.'"
The End.







So. That is where the name is from. The album, not the song. Please don't be so close-minded as to call it emo and freaky. It's art.

7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen)

"I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

I'm sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own"
-Fall Out Boy

This is the song that I was quoting in my last post. Fitting, I thought. Background info, this song was written about Pete's suicide attempt using an overdose of Ativan, blah blah blah.

Last night was homecoming. It was okay; not good, not bad.
Little Life Lesson 532: Grinding is inescapable at high school dance. Seriously.
Sooo it was kind of boring. Not nearly as good as eighth grade dances. Call me a wierdo if you must, but that's just my opinion.
You know what the biggest turn off ever is? Chad dancing. I'm not even kidding. He has stupid 'moves' and the faces he makes are like incredibly extremely embarrassing. Ughh. And Bella was like, "Okay, you have to dance with Chad tonight!" Um, whatever.

I talked to Connor though. Shocker, no? Yeah, so he came over to our little circle and stood between me and Bella and was all, "Do you guys know where Douglas is?" I'm pretty sure he didn't even register me but I responded, "I haven't seen him; he's somewhere with Laura." To which he goes, "But he is here?" And then I say, "Yeah." Exciting.
---------------------------------------------
I twisted my ankle today in softball. I was running to first and when I stepped on the base my foot like slipped off the edge and got screwed up. Then I had to play the rest of the game hurt until I got to go home. And I'm using crutches at school tomorrow. Just shoot me now.

The Pros and Cons of Breathing

It's hard to bare your soul to people on the internet. It's hard to give the emotion you want to because nobody takes it seriously. It's hard to write how upset you are because you don't want people to worry, so instead you just write everything off a joke or use sarcasm.

Nothing really holds any appeal to me anymore. I'm probably not going to go to any more football games because I just get left out by Sam and Ginny and Karen and them. Even though the end of the game was exciting, and we did win.

Connor is freshmen Homecoming prince. Wtf. It's just the most stupid thing in the world and you don't even get how I feel right now, so don't even try.

This post is extremely negative, so just leave right now if you don't want to put up with it or you want to pretend that I'm fine so you can live your own little life without worrying about me.

I'm not excited for homecoming. What is the freaking point? Here's what I'm looking forward to: being ditched by everyone for Sam and Ginny and "sitting out dances on the wall, trying to forget everything that isn't you." Sorry. Quoting Fall Out Boy again. I didn't get asked, because what guy in his right mind would ask me. (Rant time)

I'm not pretty. I know I'm not. In fact, if you look closely, I'm kind of ugly.
My hair sucks, so I wear it in a pony tail all the time.
I don't even care enough to do my hair nice or put on nice make up to fix anything.
I'm not skinny. I know that I am not fat, but I am getting bigger.
I never flirt and I get too shy when I think a guy *might* be flirting with me.
I don't have anything special about me.
I love Fall Out Boy too much and people think I'm a freak.
I'd probably rather sit and home on the computer than go out with my friends (lately).


Oh, and my best friend from second grade is moving away Sunday.

The Great Escape

Do I already have a post with this name? Oh well, who cares.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLD54dVRpjw&NR=1 <-- The Great Escape Acoustic. Listen to it, please. It's amazingly fastanstically beautiful. Oh yes. And check out their Let Go cover because that rocks too. It's not even funny how great it is.

Note: I just found out they have all the acoustics on itunes! Ah!

I haven't updated in a while; there's pretty much nothing to know. Did I tell you that I couldn't do the believe/lie thing for computers? Well, I can't. So I made some gay flower thing instead and I was totally unhappy with it, and my teacher didn't like it either. So today I wrote water and had the background ripples and the words all warped and wavy ripples like floating on the surface. I like it, but I still wish I could have done the other thing.

As you know, life is kind of sucking right now. I'm sort of not really feeling anything and just sort of going through with a fake smile and happiness. I'm not even excited for Homecoming, and we all know how the last football game went.

I don't even understand how I like Chad so much. Ughh afjkdlafjidos. We effing belong together. I just NEED HIM. AFDJLAEIOAE
And someone apparently told Bella that I like him *coughginnycough*, which I don't really mind I guess, but it's just the way she acts. She's in the stage where it's like "OMG you guys should so go out you guys would look so cute together!" And we all know that won't happen.

Speaking of Bella, she kind of bugs me. She's pretty nice and funny, but it irritates me how she says she's so ghetto and gangster. I'm okay if it's once in a while, because I mean, even I do it. It's just ALL THE TIME with her. And this is pretty personal, but I have a cousin who's a gangster. The real deal. And guess what? She's in jail for participating in a drive-by shooting and assaulting an officer. Newsflash Bella: you're not a gangster.

Now that THAT's off my chest, let's move to Tracey. I love her a bunch but she's just acting sort of, I don't know how to say it, off-put by me? She hangs out with her golf friends all the time and she just says, "Well they're so much more interesting that you guys!" And in science, I'll ask her something, and she flat out won't answer me. She ignores me.

And now for the best part (sarcasm), today I basically broke down in P.E. I'm walking to get Otter Pops, alone, and I'm trying to put up my hair again, and my hair tie snaps. The stupidest thing, but now I'm alone and my hair is screwed up because I have a huge dent in it and everything. Oh, and also feeling sick. So I try taking like deep breaths and fighting everything back, when Martha notices. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
'Oh please don't be talking to me.' "Yeah, just, my hair..."
"Are you okay??"
*nod* "Yeah.. just a little..." *deep breath*
"Is some one bothering you? You want me to talk to them?"
And then Serena hears, "Hey, are you feeling okay?"
'Goddammit, I just need to cool off' *nod*

When Kathryn and Tracey turn around and see me, and stop to let me catch up. Then we go through the whole are you okay thing.
Kathryn: "Oh, I'm sure she just feels sick from running, right?"
Me: "Yeah, just, stuff..."
Tracey: "Is it me? I thought you were mad at me??"
Me: "Well, kinda..." *deep breath* *gets teary* "I just.. don't want to talk about it.."


Fun, no? When Tracey was leaving P.E. early I hugged her and said I wasn't mad, but just a little frustrated. I'm going to shoot her an e-mail to explain.

When my mom was driving me home she asked if I wanted to go to Rolling Hills to pick up my brother and maybe see some old teachers. I told her no. So we get to where she's supposed to turn off to the house, but she doesn't turn. I get really pissed and just like 'Oh great.' She sees me mad and goes, "You don't have to get worked up over the little things."
I just lose it and go, "You know what? I've had a horrible day today and I don't feel like doing it right know okay??" And start crying.
She goes all motherly and says, "Oh, I know hormones are hard."

Thanks for not even attempting to believe life just might not be going to great for me. I really appreciate you writing it off as hormones without an explanation. It makes me feel oh so rational.




"There's beauty in the breakdown."- Let Go