XO

Hey y'all. I'm super bored right now! I think I'll tell you about what happened with Connor today. Fun stuff.

Well, I did talk to him! I like went to throw something away and he was there alone by the trash can and I went, "Hey what's up?"
He was eating something so we played charades for a second.
Him: *points to mouth*
Me: Uhh, your mouth is full?
Him: *shakes head* *points to mouth again and sees me smile, then pointing at my mouth*
Me: Braces?
Him: *nods and does a twisting motion with his hands*
Me: You just got them tightened?
Him: *swallows* No but I'm going to today.
Me: Aw that sucks.. I have an appointment next week. Ooh, I'm getting mine off soon!
Him: Pshh, I still have like.. 10 appointments left.
Me: Aw, yeah, I've had mine forever too.

:)


Dude-- I totally just read this quote:
"Forget about this other girl and start worrying about yourself, if you really want to be a contender. You’ve got to get in the game before you can knock out your opponent. So quit feeling sorry for yourself. Take action. Do yourself up; flirt with his friends. Make him notice you. Make him work for it." -Shug, by Jenny Han
(if you couldn't guess, the other girl is Alli)

Just Do It!

Mmkay, a lot to talk about since I last posted.

Firstly, the title Just Do It is the song we've been practicing after school for two days now, two hours a day for class comp. It's permanently stuck in my head and I just kind of break out dancing at random times (but that's okay :). I am the only white person that goes to class comp. Just thought I'd throw that in there. The words 'just do it' sorta apply to my life right now.

Connor, Connor, Connor, Connor, Connor...
Well.
My last and very short post told you that Connor likes Alli (I mean, maybe, but probably). I got really upset for like, two hours. Then I talked to Phil and I was still sad and he was comforting me and stuff, and it just clicked. Alli means nothing to me. And right now, the plan is to steal his attention away from her. It's not a likely goal... but it's all I have. I'm making goals for myself every day. Today, it was to say 'hey.' I said 'hi' and Phil made a big deal about it so I feel kind of stupid... But I said hi one time and then another time waved at him. Sooo yeah. The goal for tomorrow is to make small talk with him.

And Nicole, update your fricking blog!

I'd Do Anything

Well, guess what Nicole just told me! According to Kassie, Connor likes Alli too! Isn't that just FANFRICKINTASTIC news?!

I'm Supposed to Love You

Alert the media: I talked to Connor today. Yes, yes I did. I am still in shock. So we were standing there and Connor was talking to Phil and I could just tell that Phil was like, 'TALK TO HIM OLIVIA!!!' I was hoping that Phil could keep him there for a little longer so I could get myself together, and then Alli comes over and is totally flirting with Connor, so I sucked it up and got his attention. I probably sounded like a mental patient though.

Me: Hey Connor, do you remember me?
Him: Umm... yes.
Me[smiling]: Then what's my name?
Him: Uhhhhh... It was something... something like.. Rose?
Me: Uh no. :)
Alicia: cough cough it's like Olive cough cough
Connor: Olivia!
Me[smiling still]: Yep, and you know me from...?
Connor: Eighth grade!
Me: So now you have to say hi to me when you see me :)

Oh yes, look at my attempt at flirting. That's not exactly how it went, I mean, how am I supposed to remember all the details. Plus I was standing there trying to stay in the conversation while not totally melting. Hahaha.

Harder to Breath

Asdklfahdklj.

Phil just told me that Alli likes Connor too. I don't know why it even freaking matters that much, but suddenly I realize that I stand no chance with him. Sure, Alli is a bitch. Sure, I'm a better person than her. But (if Connor goes out with her) that just means I lost the guy. Again. Being the better person doesn't really matter then, does it? It shouldn't really affect me this much. I personally don't think Connor would like Alli (but what the hell do I know. He liked Alyssa last year). It's like... Just making small talk at lunch isn't going to really help at all. There goes my hope.

To Do list for today:
1. Stop thinking about Connor. God.
2. Do math homework.
3. Stop thinking about the Alli situation.
4. Mentally prepare myself for school tomorrow.
5. Pick an outfit for tomorrow.
6. Mentally prepare myself for the concert Saturday.
7. Stop pitying myself.

Ready and Waiting to Fall

Don't bother with me being self-pitying.
"I could learn to pity fools as I'm the worst of all
And I can't stop feeling sorry for myself."
-Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? by Fall Out Boy

Gah, I knew Fall Out Boy had some lyric about self-pity but I forgot what it was and what song it was in. I had to find it...

So yeah, if you really hate it when people mope around and feel bad for themselves, then this is not the post for you (although I know you'll read it anyway).

Really, if I do actually talk to Connor, he will never like me back. I am hopeless. Scratch that. I'm hopelessly hopeful that HE's just hopeless enough (more FOB). But I truly honestly believe that I don't stand a chance with him. And if you've read this far, blah blah blah, I know I'll get a boyfriend EVENTUALLY. Uh, probably. But IIII waaannnttt ooonnnneee nnnooowww. While everyone has someone, I have no one.





...Piss me off.

Everywhere

'Cause you're everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes, it's you I see. You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

Actually, he is everything I know that makes believe I am alone. But whatever. I don't love him, okay? I'm a stupid girl with a crush that thinks it's love because he paid the slightest bit of attention to me. It's not love.

Lalala, I still don't believe he remembers me.
He doesn't.
How would you know anyway?
You don't know what I know.
You don't know what I feel.

He doesn't remember me.



Wow, looks like a poem.

Tired of Being Sorry

Hokay. It's nice writing here because I pretty much have no human contact outside of my family (oh, and my brother's friends). That gives me a lot of time to think, as you can imagine.

Sooo I talked to Phil about what I wrote yesterday. About getting my hopes up. Here, I'll just post the convo:
ojaybean: hey you know how you were talking to me about connor the other day
jdmdrifterkarate: yepp
jdmdrifterkarate: wut about it?
ojaybean: and like, okay, you probably dont even remember but it stuck in my mind
ojaybean: you were trying to convince me that he knows who i am and you told me that he looked at me every time i passed
ojaybean: and i really dont want to get my hopes up
jdmdrifterkarate: y would i lie?
ojaybean: so i know youre trying to help, but try not to say anything that will get my hopes up
ojaybean: i dont know
jdmdrifterkarate: im not
ojaybean: because you wanted me to feel better
jdmdrifterkarate: kk, not all the time
jdmdrifterkarate: but most of the tme
jdmdrifterkarate: i promise
jdmdrifterkarate: he oes
jdmdrifterkarate: does*
ojaybean: ..and does he look at a lot of people?
jdmdrifterkarate: well, no, just kinda
jdmdrifterkarate: when i say, hey wasup, he look at u
jdmdrifterkarate: and then talks to me
jdmdrifterkarate: and seriuos;y
jdmdrifterkarate: for a guy, that means a lot
ojaybean: okay
ojaybean: well i just wanted to make sure
ojaybean: like not trying to get you to reassure me
ojaybean: but just a warning: i get my hopes up waaay too much

But even though he might look at me more than other people (I guess?), that does NOT mean he remembers me. He's probably thinking, 'Gosh, where have I seen her before?' Which is actually really probable. Like I said, I am the one looking at HIM when I pass, so I don't know what Phil's smoking.

Oh me, the ever optimistic one. Anyway, Nicole, I will ask you to either confirm or... not confirm. So I'll talk to you about it probably before you read this, so I don't really know why I'm writing it.

We're So Far Away

I don't feel very good. I'm incredibly bored and even lonely because Phil hasn't really been online today and Nicole's at some party and probably won't get on tonight... and she'll be gone all week for Vegas.

What I want to do right now is just talk to somebody about Connor. I know, stupid. But you know the feeling, when you like someone a whole lot and you just want to talk and talk and talk about them. Which kind of brings me to the bad feeling. I mean, part of me really does think I can start talking to him and stuff if I hang out with Phil and Nicole for a week. And then the other part of me, the part that's been hurt so many times before, says that he won't like me, I'm just getting my hopes up like I always do and I'll end up getting my heart broken. Again. Which brings me to feeling upset that I even HAVE a part that's been hurt like that; a side that doesn't even want to allow hope.
And Phil, he means well, he really does. And all of his comfort helps for a while, until I realize that he's making it up as he goes along. For some reason, he seems completely confident that Connor will somehow fall in love with me and of course ask me out because I'm so sweet and kind and he'll just be the luckiest guy in the world because he has me. You see how this helps for a while, right? And then I remember how I thought Connor liked me before, but he really liked Alyssa Garcia. And then even after that when Jordan was sure that he like ME. That made me really, really happy, until he forgot me. And to this, Phil says it's really really hard for a guy to ask a girl out, so Connor was probably just being shy. Again, Phil tells me that Connor's probably just too shy, and he really does remember me. Then I think, 'You know, that could be true.' And then I don't want to get my hopes up.
Which makes me think about Chad, when a lot of people thought he liked me too. Until I figured out the hard way that he didn't like me like that either. It's the worst feeling in the world to have your hopes up like that and then get them smashed down.
So anyway, Phil was trying to convince me that Connor did remember me. He told me that Connor looks at me every time I walk past their group or whatever. I mean, please. I'M the one looking at him, and I know that he, in fact, does not look at me. Then I have to go and freaking get my hopes up AGAIN, thinking that what Phil's saying might be true. It sort of makes me want to tell Phil that while his efforts are appreciated, it really works best in the long run not to say things that get my hopes up. To which I KNOW he would reply, "What are you talking about?! Of course any guy would be lucky to be with you!"

-.- Thanks for listening to my babble.

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

I like this title ^^
To explain the below post, I am going to be completely honest, even though I know Nicole will read this and it's not exactly complimenting her... Nicole, you might not want to read this.

So recently Nicole has had a tooooonn of drama with Ashley and Alli. I'm cool with being there for her and letting her rant to me. Anyways, what made me mad is that even though Ashley is not a good friend, and she constantly hurts Nicole, Nicole always picks her over me. Really. So I'm trying to listen to Nicole's crap about her friends and sometimes it's just like, "I'm sorry, but who's fault is this again?" So anyways, I just started to get slightly annoyed. Add to that the fact that Phil is a super hugemongous part of her life (at this time). So yesterday Nicole and I planned on hanging out today after school... until last night that is. Apparently Phil told his parents about Nicole and they got all mad about the stupid tradition thing and told him that he couldn't go out with her or whatever or else they would 'kick him out.' Nicole finds out: "I FUCKING HATE THIS. FUCKK." I talk to Phil about it: "Hold on, just let me do something. FUCK DAMN SHITTTTTTT." And right now I'm sort of tired of being the, I don't know, middle person? The person that they both go for advice and I always try my hardest to please them and it's just a lot of stress because so much is put on me... Anyways, Nicole asks me if I would wait for her after school so she can talk to Phil. Right then I was already pissed and trying not to show it (for her sake). So I just have to say, "Well what the crap do you expect me to do?" And suddenly she realizes I'm mad and she says she doesn't want to fight and whatever. The crazy part is the fact that I actually had to vent to Ginny about it, because I usually vent to Nicole or Phil but then I was kind of mad. Ginny kind of just said I was right, and that Nicole shouldn't change plans with me for Phil. I guess we ended up cancelling... and Nicole couldn't schedule it again because of her mom. But she's probably happy that we did cancel because she had a little rendezvous with Phil while we were supposed to be hanging out (oh yes, I know about that Nicole). AND I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE THIS IS PROBABLY RAINING ON HER PARADE RIGHT NOW.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





I feel like the advice/comfort person. It flatters me because people trust me enough to come to me and believe I can help them. But then it becomes too much. I don't want to dissappoint people that need help. I don't want to see my friends upset or sad... even if it means that nobody really focuses on my problems.


Sam texted me today; he didn't make the soccer team. :( :( :( I tried my hardest to say something remotely comforting, and I couldn't think of anything good.

I am ashamed. Hating myself. I don't want to say it, for fear that it'll become real. If you want to ask me what it is, I'll probably tell you. Well, only if your name is Nicole or Phil (but Phil doesn't know about this blog so not really him).

WHY THE HELL DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO GET IN THIS CRAP THATS NOT EVEN MY PROBLEM

This is the Countdown

Blah blah, writing here about stuff I would just normally tell Nicole but Nicole has her own issues right now and I don't want to bother her with my stuff.

Firstly, today was in-cred-ib-ly boring. In english, Ms. Singleton pretty much talked the whole period about Of Mice and Men, and I was fighting sleep. It seemed like TIME STOPPED. Sam said he thought the period went by fast. Uhhhh... Well, I guess spanish wasn't horrible. I worked with Andy on the study guide :) No, I don't like him anymore like that. But he's still super cool. Over lunch I had a stupid key club meeting that was pretty much pointless. Math was really boring also. So we did the first lesson and the work, and I was okay for that. By the time the second hour started though, man, my brain just did not want to function. So after the second lesson, I just didn't do any of the work.

And now, the hightlight of my day (which is really pathetic). Let me back up... There's this guy who sits behind me in math who I told Ginny I thought was kind of nerdy-cute, but definitely not like a crush. So today I'm wearing this spaghetti strap shirt with a really low back, right? Well I guess he was blowing eraser stuff off his paper and he blew on my back and O.M.G. Hahahaha, sorry! It felt.. pretty good XD

Dancing in the Dark

So, last time I wrote about my feelings about Connor (yeah, still there). I really really really times a hundred want to talk to him. I keep telling myself that next time I see him I'll smile and say hey or whatever. It's kind of harder than it sounds. Like today, after school, I was walking, and I saw him. I was thinking 'Say hi say hi say hi.' I get near him and literally take in a breath... and chicken out. Then I kick myself for a long time afterwords over-analizing what I could have done or said.
...
So I was talking to Phil the other day and he was all being all nice and stuff and he asked me how I was, was anything wrong, the usual. I told him about how I feel like I help a lot of people and then everything is great for them, but then nothing great happens to me (which of course is me OVERREACTING and being SPOILED). Anyway, he consoled me. He besically said, "See, that's what I don't get. You help everyone you know, even people you barely know (like me). I know things haven't been going great for you now, but you have to trust me, something great will happen to you." Which, you know, I really needed.

Oh, and some totally awesome lyrics.
"You come over unannounced.
Silence broken by your voice in the dark.
I need you here tonight,
Just like the ocean needs the waves.

Fall around me now,
Like, stars that shine and brighten the way.
I need you here tonight,
Just like this night it needs the rain."
-The Ocean by Mae


P.S: NICOLE UPDATE YOUR BLOGGGGG!

The Sharpest Lives

Give me a shot to remember,
And you can take all the pain away from me.
A kiss and I will surrender,
The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.
A light to burn all the empires,
So bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be
In love with all of these vampires,
So you can leave like the sane abandoned me.

Really, really, think about that one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uhhh I'm not going to do a recap of everything I haven't updated on, because frankly, that would be far too long and boring. I just remembered why I have this blog and how nice it is to complain to nonexistant people. Oh, and this isn't exactly chronological order.

I still love Connor. It's sick, stupid, and a complete waste of time even thinking about it. I feel like an effing freak because I'm still heels over head for him and he doesn't even know I exist. Admit it, you would be wierded out if a complete stranger (well, what you thougth was a complete stranger) liked you. I want to talk to him. Interact with him in some way. I'm trying to work up the courage to be like, "Hey Connor! Do you remember me?" The opportunity just hasn't come up yet is all... And hey, you can tell me that you think I should just get over him, or you can try to help me get him. But I can't just get over him, alright?


Today was Freshmen Retreat. We had a 'motivational speaker' come. Keith Hawkins, you know, buttlock guy? He's really funny. We had to pick partners and Kathryn asked if I would be hers, so I said yeah. Then a little later Connor is going around like, "Does anyone need a partner? I'll be some one's partner!" I wanted to ditch Kathryn right then and there (sorry) and tell him I would be his. And then we had to like hold hands or whatever and it just killed me that it could have been with Connor. AUGHHH. And later I started crying when we were talking about past stuff that has devestated us and whatever.


Ginny doesn't like Sam anymore. Not just doesn't like, I mean DISlikes him. She's been just really annoyed with him this past week. It's not like she wants to be, but she just is. So she tells me all this stuff and today, guess what? Sam asked me if Ginny was mad at him, because she hasn't talked to him like all week. Well, what am I supposed to say? That was a really awkward position for me. The best I could do was tell him to try to talk to her about it or something. I don't know, email her.