We're So Far Away

I don't feel very good. I'm incredibly bored and even lonely because Phil hasn't really been online today and Nicole's at some party and probably won't get on tonight... and she'll be gone all week for Vegas.

What I want to do right now is just talk to somebody about Connor. I know, stupid. But you know the feeling, when you like someone a whole lot and you just want to talk and talk and talk about them. Which kind of brings me to the bad feeling. I mean, part of me really does think I can start talking to him and stuff if I hang out with Phil and Nicole for a week. And then the other part of me, the part that's been hurt so many times before, says that he won't like me, I'm just getting my hopes up like I always do and I'll end up getting my heart broken. Again. Which brings me to feeling upset that I even HAVE a part that's been hurt like that; a side that doesn't even want to allow hope.
And Phil, he means well, he really does. And all of his comfort helps for a while, until I realize that he's making it up as he goes along. For some reason, he seems completely confident that Connor will somehow fall in love with me and of course ask me out because I'm so sweet and kind and he'll just be the luckiest guy in the world because he has me. You see how this helps for a while, right? And then I remember how I thought Connor liked me before, but he really liked Alyssa Garcia. And then even after that when Jordan was sure that he like ME. That made me really, really happy, until he forgot me. And to this, Phil says it's really really hard for a guy to ask a girl out, so Connor was probably just being shy. Again, Phil tells me that Connor's probably just too shy, and he really does remember me. Then I think, 'You know, that could be true.' And then I don't want to get my hopes up.
Which makes me think about Chad, when a lot of people thought he liked me too. Until I figured out the hard way that he didn't like me like that either. It's the worst feeling in the world to have your hopes up like that and then get them smashed down.
So anyway, Phil was trying to convince me that Connor did remember me. He told me that Connor looks at me every time I walk past their group or whatever. I mean, please. I'M the one looking at him, and I know that he, in fact, does not look at me. Then I have to go and freaking get my hopes up AGAIN, thinking that what Phil's saying might be true. It sort of makes me want to tell Phil that while his efforts are appreciated, it really works best in the long run not to say things that get my hopes up. To which I KNOW he would reply, "What are you talking about?! Of course any guy would be lucky to be with you!"

-.- Thanks for listening to my babble.