I Want Candy... Dead.

I haven't updated in a long time, I know I know I know. But there hasn't been anything really update-worthy.

Well okay, Phil told me who likes me. He said he talked to him on Valentines Day. Phil said that he said something about not liking me as much anymore, or he didn't really like me, he just thought I was cute. Whatever. Phil says I'm not supposed to say who it is on here, not like anyone but him and Nicole read this anyway. But it's seriously the last person you would ever guess (I didn't even think of him when I was trying to guess who it was). That also kind of made me feel better about liking Connor. It's pretty much the same thing; I like him, he barely knows I exist. I always thought I was pathetic and wierd for still liking him even though we have virtually no contact, but the situation with the guy that liked me made me realize it's not all too wierd. If that makes sense.

So it's President's Week off from school, and it is so very boring. I miss everyone a ton, too. I talk to Nicole online, but even she hasn't been on a lot the past few days. And I miss Phil, like a super lot. He basically feels like a brother now and it's wierd. I was looking at his Facebook profile and I just wanted to message him to tell him that I missed him, but I mean, he'd only get it once he gets back, so it's not like it really matter anyways. Oh, and Hot Spanish Guy (from here on referred to as HSG). Okay, so I don't miss all my 'friends' that much. Uhh, alrighty then. Moving on.

Tryouts! Yes, softball tryouts were this week. Varsity started bright and early (grumble) on Saturday morning and was continued on Monday. I, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), wasn't good enough to continue on to the running portion of tryouts. So yeah, I didn't make it. But it did help me get my nerves out about JV tryouts, and that's all I was really hoping for. JV tryouts started even brighter and earlier on Wednesday and Thursday. On Wednesday we did fielding and Thursday we did batting. I have to say that after seeing the unexperienced girls, I'm not all that worried any more. I also said I wanted to play first base, which'll be amazing to finally play again (if I make the team, that is).

I fantasize about Panic at the Disco too much. So I was thinking about, say, Brendon. He's like 19 or 20. That's only 5 or 6 years older than me. He's also single. Combine those factors with a very active imagination, and you get the conviction that you and Brendon Urie are made for each other. Then, when you think about it, of course he wouldn't want anything to do with a 14 year old. Maybe in ten years it won't seem much of a difference, but as of now, the age difference is painfully cruel. It's so close, yet so far. I can't properly fantasize about him now, because I get caught up in the technicalities. When it was Pete (yes I am saying he isn't as huge a deal anymore), it was such a gap so that it didn't even need to be realistic. Just for fun, you know? Jeez, who knew fantasies could get so complicated.
Today I watched that full concert DVD on Youtube again. It's making me mourn the loss of their 'sceneness.' Now that they're all happy hippies, Ryan isn't wearing makeup and his hair's all... bad. I guess I didn't get to experience that stage so much while they were going through it, so I feel like I missed out. Everyone says it's the changes that you go through from around 18-21. I guess that's true, but that doesn't make it suck less.

As always happens on long boyless breaks, I spend a good deal obsessing about any boys I can. It's almost enough to make me want to go for Connor again. Almost. But I digress (you really don't know how much I love saying that). It's pretty insane, dude. Like the other day there was nothing good on TV, and I probably would have gone back upstairs on the computer, but I consented to watch Cory in the House because of Jason Dolley. I'm serious. After that, I looked up pictures of him online. And today I was watching TV while eating lunch and I spent a good amount of time debating with myself if I wanted to go upstairs, because Phil of the Future was on. Now, I don't really think that Ricky Ullman is all that great looking. But I watched it anyway. I know, I know. And the title? That's this really stupid thing on Youtube with this really weird kids, Connor and Devon. I think Connor's cute [why, God? Connor. Of course. As if I don't endure enough of that (Connor and Olivia are both the #8 most popular baby name of 2007. Subtle things like that are what kill me. Slowly. Um, I'm kind of going off topic now.)], and Devon has the biggest mouth I have ever seen in my life. So I kinda watched a lot of that and, well, whatever. They're pretty sexy. Oh wow, did I really just say that?
--I miss Connor. Still, and I probably will for like, ever. You have no idea. Well, you might, but it sounds more pitiful if I say it like that. Last night (actually very early this morning) I was talking to Katie and I said I had only known of two guys that liked me. That would be Clark and the one I can't say. Then I remembered Connor. I allowed myself to go back an remember and relive how it felt. In retrospect, that probably opened a door that is better left shut, but whatever. I remember the butterflies in math class. How I would pretend to look at the clock only so I could sneak a glance at him. How before class he would come over and sit by me and talk to me, ask what's up. How I would turn into a babbling idiot whenever he talked to me, and the butterflies that showed up as I was walking to 8th period. I remember making Nicole tell him that I liked him, and how he seemed interested in that little fact. I remember that night when I got home from babysitting to find Jordan on, and (I knew it intuitively, I swear) Connor was over at his house and how we talked online: how that gave me the most massive case of butterflies ever. I remember how Jordan kept teasing me, saying stupid little things like, "How are you and your lover doing?" How Jordan told me that Connor liked me and how Jordan told him to ask me out. I remember never talking to him again after that. I might write more later today, because it's almost 12:30 and I really should be getting to bed.



(Do you think I've done enough parenthesis this post?)