(Let's get fucked up and die)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
Emo, right? Well, I've been pretty down lately. Nicole and I are cool again (for real), but I don't know why my mood is still so gloomy. Sometimes I just sit there thinking, "What am I doing here? What's the point of doing anything anymore?" School is almost unbearable. The classes suck, and frankly, the people aren't fantastic either.
And now I'm sick. I actually think my negative attitude kind of started it, or at least enabled it. Right now I really want to go to sleep, even though I slept for 13 hours last night and didn't go to school today. Life just kind of sucks.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I Don't Love You, I'm Just Passing The Time
Pretty. Odd. is officially released on Tuesday, but it was on MTV's Leak, so of course I already have it on my iPod. It is fantastically awesome supercalifragilistic expialidoscious. My favorite songs are When the Day Met the Night, Folkin' Around, Northern Downpour, She Had the World, She's a Handsome Woman, That Green Gentleman, and Mad as Rabbits. I like quite a few of them, as you can see :)
So a lot has happened since I last posted, but there doesn't seem much to update on. I know I owe a biiig update but I don't know what I should talk about. I guess it's harder to talk about things if they don't really effect me or something. Okay, for this part, I'm going to try to not think about the fact that Nicole reads this.
I don't have a cute new crush to talk about. I can barely remember what the butterflies feel like, but that's a different story. For the record, I don't like TJ. I think the fact that all the girls want him makes him more attractive, but no, I don't like him. Anyways, Nicole does. Of course she's flirting with him and stuff, and OF COURSE he thinks she's cute. Yeah I'm jealous. I kind of said as much the other day, and she was like, "Well I have to work for it... I'm always the one to make the first move." As if she's denying the fact that she can get any guy? I don't really know. All I do know is that that somehow made it worse. I shouldn't be bitter about this. I don't even know why I'm being bitter! Something Nicole said in her blog pissed me off. She was talking about TJ and she's like, "He plays my favorite position in the sport he plays, and it also happens to the be the position that I love to play." (that's a direct quote) Is she even entitled to have a favorite position for baseball? And saying that it's the position she "loves to play"? What. The. Crap. No, honey, you don't play baseball, nor do you play softball. PE doesn't count. You don't know what it's like to play shortstop and obviously you aren't going to learn any time soon (thanks for bailing on that, by the way). You love to watch baseball, whatever. Stop trying to pass yourself off for someone who actually knows what it's like to play.
Should I explain why I don't have any patience for Nicole? I'll start with the most recent thing she's done. About a week ago, it was a time when I started to dislike Phil, and Nicole was already pissed and hating on him. I was talking to her about some of the things I didn't like (I know, that's not good anyways), and at the same time I was talking to Phil about how he changed. Eventually he was thankful that I told him and we got along, started talking about Connor. I was just telling him how Connor never acknowledges my existance and so I stopped trying to like say hi to him. Blah blah blah, Phil gets to, "He needs a girl like you. You see the girls he's gone for before? Alyssa and Alli. Both needy whiney bitches." As it's not out of character for Phil to say something like that, I didn't think anything of it. My big mistake was showing Nicole the conversation. Yeah, you guessed it, she showed Alli what Phil said. No fucking regard for how that would effect me (ie: hurting Phil, making me lose all his trust right after we made up). I got so mad at her. I was crying, and then she called and made it even worse and I hung up on her. We didn't talk for a few days, until I couldn't take it. We got it "settled" (even though obviously I don't think it's settled). The thing is, it really did not seem to effect her at all in that time that I didn't talk to her. She said she knew I "just needed time to calm down." Screw that.
You do have commitment issues, Nicole. I hardly believe anything that you say anymore, did you know that? Ever since you bailed on softball, which you built up so much. And right after that you were talking about trying lacrosse? Yeah, didn't believe that. I never believed you were going to do ASB, and I was right on that (and you built that up a lot too). I still don't believe that you're going to do softball next year. Every freaking thing you say, I don't care. I know this is going to hurt you knowing that I think about you like this, but you know what? Maybe I want to hurt you like you've hurt me.
Happy freaking Easter.
So a lot has happened since I last posted, but there doesn't seem much to update on. I know I owe a biiig update but I don't know what I should talk about. I guess it's harder to talk about things if they don't really effect me or something. Okay, for this part, I'm going to try to not think about the fact that Nicole reads this.
I don't have a cute new crush to talk about. I can barely remember what the butterflies feel like, but that's a different story. For the record, I don't like TJ. I think the fact that all the girls want him makes him more attractive, but no, I don't like him. Anyways, Nicole does. Of course she's flirting with him and stuff, and OF COURSE he thinks she's cute. Yeah I'm jealous. I kind of said as much the other day, and she was like, "Well I have to work for it... I'm always the one to make the first move." As if she's denying the fact that she can get any guy? I don't really know. All I do know is that that somehow made it worse. I shouldn't be bitter about this. I don't even know why I'm being bitter! Something Nicole said in her blog pissed me off. She was talking about TJ and she's like, "He plays my favorite position in the sport he plays, and it also happens to the be the position that I love to play." (that's a direct quote) Is she even entitled to have a favorite position for baseball? And saying that it's the position she "loves to play"? What. The. Crap. No, honey, you don't play baseball, nor do you play softball. PE doesn't count. You don't know what it's like to play shortstop and obviously you aren't going to learn any time soon (thanks for bailing on that, by the way). You love to watch baseball, whatever. Stop trying to pass yourself off for someone who actually knows what it's like to play.
Should I explain why I don't have any patience for Nicole? I'll start with the most recent thing she's done. About a week ago, it was a time when I started to dislike Phil, and Nicole was already pissed and hating on him. I was talking to her about some of the things I didn't like (I know, that's not good anyways), and at the same time I was talking to Phil about how he changed. Eventually he was thankful that I told him and we got along, started talking about Connor. I was just telling him how Connor never acknowledges my existance and so I stopped trying to like say hi to him. Blah blah blah, Phil gets to, "He needs a girl like you. You see the girls he's gone for before? Alyssa and Alli. Both needy whiney bitches." As it's not out of character for Phil to say something like that, I didn't think anything of it. My big mistake was showing Nicole the conversation. Yeah, you guessed it, she showed Alli what Phil said. No fucking regard for how that would effect me (ie: hurting Phil, making me lose all his trust right after we made up). I got so mad at her. I was crying, and then she called and made it even worse and I hung up on her. We didn't talk for a few days, until I couldn't take it. We got it "settled" (even though obviously I don't think it's settled). The thing is, it really did not seem to effect her at all in that time that I didn't talk to her. She said she knew I "just needed time to calm down." Screw that.
You do have commitment issues, Nicole. I hardly believe anything that you say anymore, did you know that? Ever since you bailed on softball, which you built up so much. And right after that you were talking about trying lacrosse? Yeah, didn't believe that. I never believed you were going to do ASB, and I was right on that (and you built that up a lot too). I still don't believe that you're going to do softball next year. Every freaking thing you say, I don't care. I know this is going to hurt you knowing that I think about you like this, but you know what? Maybe I want to hurt you like you've hurt me.
Happy freaking Easter.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love...
Aughdafldkajiweo;fja. I'm tired. I made the JV team. We have practice for two hours every day after school and we had two scrimages today. We lost the first one 8-3 and won the second 15-3. I got a monster hit in the first one-- ask if you want more details.
Today was also Ginny's birthday party. She had a bonfire on the beach and it was reallyyy fun. We played Husbands & Wives, Toilet Tag, this Bacon-type game, and The Mafia game. We roasted smores and played with the volleyball. All in all, my kind of party. And Ginny also gave me and Sam these kickass "Vote Petrelli" pins. Awesome. OH. And remember a long time ago, when I first heard Chad cuss? Well so we were playing that Bacon game and his team kept getting penalties, so my team was calling them out on it. So Chad goes, "You're all just a bunch of pussies!" I was like O.O Then he was acting all high and mighty so I was like, "Do I have to tell your mother what you just said?" And everyone was like "Ooooooohhhh...." (You know what I'm talking about). It was pretty sweet.
I guess I don't have too much time to think anymore, which is probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have nothing to do though, so I'll probably be incredibly bored. In fact, I don't even know what to think. Connor? Well yeah, I think about him, but what can I say that you haven't already heard?
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love...
Aughdafldkajiweo;fja. I'm tired. I made the JV team. We have practice for two hours every day after school and we had two scrimages today. We lost the first one 8-3 and won the second 15-3. I got a monster hit in the first one-- ask if you want more details.
Today was also Ginny's birthday party. She had a bonfire on the beach and it was reallyyy fun. We played Husbands & Wives, Toilet Tag, this Bacon-type game, and The Mafia game. We roasted smores and played with the volleyball. All in all, my kind of party. And Ginny also gave me and Sam these kickass "Vote Petrelli" pins. Awesome. OH. And remember a long time ago, when I first heard Chad cuss? Well so we were playing that Bacon game and his team kept getting penalties, so my team was calling them out on it. So Chad goes, "You're all just a bunch of pussies!" I was like O.O Then he was acting all high and mighty so I was like, "Do I have to tell your mother what you just said?" And everyone was like "Ooooooohhhh...." (You know what I'm talking about). It was pretty sweet.
I guess I don't have too much time to think anymore, which is probably a good thing. Tomorrow I have nothing to do though, so I'll probably be incredibly bored. In fact, I don't even know what to think. Connor? Well yeah, I think about him, but what can I say that you haven't already heard?
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