((Listen to Forever the Sickest Kids))
I'm over what I wrote about in the last post. It was just something that happened and I just kind of overreacted and everything came out. But I'm better.
Oh, and here's a good line from The Way She Moves by Forever the Sickest Kids:
"It's a terrible thing to know what you want
And know you can't have it at all"
Yep.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Underdog Alma Mater
I think it's time for an emergency post. I know I haven't posted in forever, blah dee frickin blah.
I just hit a rather low "low" on the rollercoaster of life. And, guess what? It was triggered by softball. It's almost as if it was last year.
The thing about going back to a 14 and under team from high school makes it seem like I should be the ringer there, and, well, I thought I should be too. That adds a lot of pressure. So tonight, at my first at bat, I struck out. Looking. Okay, I made a pretty good catch in the field. My next at bat, I got jammed and sent it right to the second baseman (don't ask me how I got jammed and it went right). We lost by a lot. I know it's not JUST my fault, but both times I got out there were 2 runners on base. And I also got frustrated by my team just because they don't really take it seriously at all. I know it should be about fun but at the same time you have to find the line between fun and just goofing off.
I'll admit it, as soon as I got in the car, I started crying. I'm crying right now, as a matter of fact. I haven't let myself cry over softball in about a year. I feel retarded. Anyways, it's just like Dane Cook described it: once I started to feel bad, the weight of the world just fell on my shoulders.
I hate school. I hate english and math the most. In english, there are a lot of people that annoy me: Grant, Christie, and even Kathryn now. As for reasons, Grant is an ignorant asshole, Christie talks about her self a lot (and it doesn't help that "Connor was sooo in love with [her]"), and I'm beginning to see that Kathryn isn't just sweet and nice and caring. My hate for math, that's pretty self-explanatory.
Let's go to people that I don't like now. A few people on my team, specifically the cheerleader eighth grader who acts like she's perfect (she has 'bitch' practically stamped across her forehead). Tracey, who I'm surprised makes this list. At least today, she was kind of bitchy to me. Like, I have health and she has P.E. sixth period, so I ask her to wait for me as it takes like, 30 seconds to get out the door. She never waits. So I usually walk up behind her and hit her backpack or something, and she rolls her eyes, whatever. Today I hit it and she goes (all mean), "Olivia, I'm not waiting for you anymore." I guess you had to be there to get the full effect, but it was pretty icy. I think I just walked alone after that.
I don't like myself much now, either. I'm pretty sure it's just coming with the onset of these crappy emotions but the anger is still there. First, I'm pissed about the softball stuff. And then I'm angry at my personality. I always feel awkward when I'm just one-on-one with someone, or if I talk to someone I'm not really close to. It doesn't matter who the person is, I just can't deal with it, and then I think about how stupid I am for not knowing what to say. And the fact that I can't talk to Connor at all and everywhere I seem to turn he keeps popping up. Wait, add pathetic to the list of things I don't like about myself.
I just hit a rather low "low" on the rollercoaster of life. And, guess what? It was triggered by softball. It's almost as if it was last year.
The thing about going back to a 14 and under team from high school makes it seem like I should be the ringer there, and, well, I thought I should be too. That adds a lot of pressure. So tonight, at my first at bat, I struck out. Looking. Okay, I made a pretty good catch in the field. My next at bat, I got jammed and sent it right to the second baseman (don't ask me how I got jammed and it went right). We lost by a lot. I know it's not JUST my fault, but both times I got out there were 2 runners on base. And I also got frustrated by my team just because they don't really take it seriously at all. I know it should be about fun but at the same time you have to find the line between fun and just goofing off.
I'll admit it, as soon as I got in the car, I started crying. I'm crying right now, as a matter of fact. I haven't let myself cry over softball in about a year. I feel retarded. Anyways, it's just like Dane Cook described it: once I started to feel bad, the weight of the world just fell on my shoulders.
I hate school. I hate english and math the most. In english, there are a lot of people that annoy me: Grant, Christie, and even Kathryn now. As for reasons, Grant is an ignorant asshole, Christie talks about her self a lot (and it doesn't help that "Connor was sooo in love with [her]"), and I'm beginning to see that Kathryn isn't just sweet and nice and caring. My hate for math, that's pretty self-explanatory.
Let's go to people that I don't like now. A few people on my team, specifically the cheerleader eighth grader who acts like she's perfect (she has 'bitch' practically stamped across her forehead). Tracey, who I'm surprised makes this list. At least today, she was kind of bitchy to me. Like, I have health and she has P.E. sixth period, so I ask her to wait for me as it takes like, 30 seconds to get out the door. She never waits. So I usually walk up behind her and hit her backpack or something, and she rolls her eyes, whatever. Today I hit it and she goes (all mean), "Olivia, I'm not waiting for you anymore." I guess you had to be there to get the full effect, but it was pretty icy. I think I just walked alone after that.
I don't like myself much now, either. I'm pretty sure it's just coming with the onset of these crappy emotions but the anger is still there. First, I'm pissed about the softball stuff. And then I'm angry at my personality. I always feel awkward when I'm just one-on-one with someone, or if I talk to someone I'm not really close to. It doesn't matter who the person is, I just can't deal with it, and then I think about how stupid I am for not knowing what to say. And the fact that I can't talk to Connor at all and everywhere I seem to turn he keeps popping up. Wait, add pathetic to the list of things I don't like about myself.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
When I'm With You
I really can't tell if I've used this title before.. I remember once I asked Nicole to find a song that was a good representation of my life and this is what she came up with. If you listen to it, you'll probably agree that it describes a certain aspect of my life very well.
Okay, I know it's been forever and ever since I last posted. I posted about sticking to liking Connor. "How is that going?" one might wonder. Okay, so basically nothing has happened since then. I think I'll have more opportunities next week without STAR testing because then I'll be able to see him after first period. Anyways, I haven't gotten depressed about him at all and I get very happy if I do see him (even from afar). It totally reminds me of the line, "Would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?" Or perhaps, "And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you." So yeah, I'm staying optimistic about it. As for the reason behind my 'epiphany' last time, it was because I figured, hey, if he had liked me before (which isn't 100% sure, but whatever), then what's stopping him liking me now?
I guess that's the main thing on the mind of Olivia for now. I've told you how little things make it seem like we totally were, I don't want to say meant to be, but meant to be together? The whole thing with our names in the same place for popular baby names (http://babynames.com/Names/Popular/) and whatnot? Well, today I found another. In Friends, on Days Of Our Lives, there was this girl named Olivia and she was supposed to marry a guy named (guess what?) Connor. Mmhmm.
Anyways. The reason school has been tolerable is because of STAR testing. It's cool because that means only three classes a day and less homework. Plus, I got an extra class with Phil and Nicole and Carrie. Now that's over, though.
Softball is still softball. I'm not as big of a hitter anymore, though. I usually get a hit once or twice in a game, but I'm not really an RBI hitter I guess. I'm second in the lineup, so that's kind of why. I don't like playing second base much either, because it seems like all I do is make errors. I've suggested that I move but Bobby wants to keep me there on the off chance that I do something right (but I'm pretty sure it's because she likes me and wants me to be infield). Gina Calo hit a home run yesterday and I say it's my turn! Alyssa Abrenica, Aurora, and Calo have all hit one.
So yeah, that's basically the update on my life. I'm trying to think of something more interesting to write about than how I'm feeling about Connor, but no such luck. Maybe I'll update soon; who knows.
Okay, I know it's been forever and ever since I last posted. I posted about sticking to liking Connor. "How is that going?" one might wonder. Okay, so basically nothing has happened since then. I think I'll have more opportunities next week without STAR testing because then I'll be able to see him after first period. Anyways, I haven't gotten depressed about him at all and I get very happy if I do see him (even from afar). It totally reminds me of the line, "Would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?" Or perhaps, "And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you." So yeah, I'm staying optimistic about it. As for the reason behind my 'epiphany' last time, it was because I figured, hey, if he had liked me before (which isn't 100% sure, but whatever), then what's stopping him liking me now?
I guess that's the main thing on the mind of Olivia for now. I've told you how little things make it seem like we totally were, I don't want to say meant to be, but meant to be together? The whole thing with our names in the same place for popular baby names (http://babynames.com/Names/Popular/) and whatnot? Well, today I found another. In Friends, on Days Of Our Lives, there was this girl named Olivia and she was supposed to marry a guy named (guess what?) Connor. Mmhmm.
Anyways. The reason school has been tolerable is because of STAR testing. It's cool because that means only three classes a day and less homework. Plus, I got an extra class with Phil and Nicole and Carrie. Now that's over, though.
Softball is still softball. I'm not as big of a hitter anymore, though. I usually get a hit once or twice in a game, but I'm not really an RBI hitter I guess. I'm second in the lineup, so that's kind of why. I don't like playing second base much either, because it seems like all I do is make errors. I've suggested that I move but Bobby wants to keep me there on the off chance that I do something right (but I'm pretty sure it's because she likes me and wants me to be infield). Gina Calo hit a home run yesterday and I say it's my turn! Alyssa Abrenica, Aurora, and Calo have all hit one.
So yeah, that's basically the update on my life. I'm trying to think of something more interesting to write about than how I'm feeling about Connor, but no such luck. Maybe I'll update soon; who knows.
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