Underdog Alma Mater

I think it's time for an emergency post. I know I haven't posted in forever, blah dee frickin blah.

I just hit a rather low "low" on the rollercoaster of life. And, guess what? It was triggered by softball. It's almost as if it was last year.

The thing about going back to a 14 and under team from high school makes it seem like I should be the ringer there, and, well, I thought I should be too. That adds a lot of pressure. So tonight, at my first at bat, I struck out. Looking. Okay, I made a pretty good catch in the field. My next at bat, I got jammed and sent it right to the second baseman (don't ask me how I got jammed and it went right). We lost by a lot. I know it's not JUST my fault, but both times I got out there were 2 runners on base. And I also got frustrated by my team just because they don't really take it seriously at all. I know it should be about fun but at the same time you have to find the line between fun and just goofing off.

I'll admit it, as soon as I got in the car, I started crying. I'm crying right now, as a matter of fact. I haven't let myself cry over softball in about a year. I feel retarded. Anyways, it's just like Dane Cook described it: once I started to feel bad, the weight of the world just fell on my shoulders.

I hate school. I hate english and math the most. In english, there are a lot of people that annoy me: Grant, Christie, and even Kathryn now. As for reasons, Grant is an ignorant asshole, Christie talks about her self a lot (and it doesn't help that "Connor was sooo in love with [her]"), and I'm beginning to see that Kathryn isn't just sweet and nice and caring. My hate for math, that's pretty self-explanatory.

Let's go to people that I don't like now. A few people on my team, specifically the cheerleader eighth grader who acts like she's perfect (she has 'bitch' practically stamped across her forehead). Tracey, who I'm surprised makes this list. At least today, she was kind of bitchy to me. Like, I have health and she has P.E. sixth period, so I ask her to wait for me as it takes like, 30 seconds to get out the door. She never waits. So I usually walk up behind her and hit her backpack or something, and she rolls her eyes, whatever. Today I hit it and she goes (all mean), "Olivia, I'm not waiting for you anymore." I guess you had to be there to get the full effect, but it was pretty icy. I think I just walked alone after that.

I don't like myself much now, either. I'm pretty sure it's just coming with the onset of these crappy emotions but the anger is still there. First, I'm pissed about the softball stuff. And then I'm angry at my personality. I always feel awkward when I'm just one-on-one with someone, or if I talk to someone I'm not really close to. It doesn't matter who the person is, I just can't deal with it, and then I think about how stupid I am for not knowing what to say. And the fact that I can't talk to Connor at all and everywhere I seem to turn he keeps popping up. Wait, add pathetic to the list of things I don't like about myself.